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Tasty Treats!
Add a little flavor to your love making! |
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by Sandy
Pendleton, MFT
Even though we look forward to our holidays
as a celebration of gratitude and presence, they are often
fraught with worry and feelings of not enough. Everyone wants
the holidays to be perfect. The challenge is to reasonably
mesh expectations with feasibility, traditions with intent
and hopes with realities. When everyone has definite ideas
about how it "has to be done", but they loose track of what
"can be done" it may result fireworks rivaling the 4th of
July.
Traditions
Traditions help us remember the past and honor all that has
come before us. Although most commonly passed down from generation
to generation they can also be adopted from our social culture,
media influence and ethnic connections. Traditions are powerful
and often dictate our ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.
We may not even know who started them, how, when or why, we
just feel compelled to keep up with them. As new ideas emerge
we add them in as well while still trying to manage all the
ones from the past. Is it any wonder that the bah-humbugs
are starting to outnumber the halleluiahs?
Each year our hopes are raised, "this year it will be different",
but instead of helping us relax and enjoy ourselves we get
pushed into working harder, doing more, buying more, and trying
to top last year - just to be enough. While many traditions
are fun and festive, trying to keep up with all of them can
take a toll on our sense of self, ability to be close and
even our sexuality.
Doing It All
Trying to "do it all" often leads to irritability, giving
in or lashing out and a lack of the very intimacy we are trying
to create. Who wants to make love or even stop for hugs and
kisses under the mistletoe when there are decorations to put
up, cookies to bake, parties to attend, meals to prepare,
silver to polish, presents to buy and wrap, and the list goes
on and on. We often work ourselves into a frenzy and loose
track of the spirit of the season.
What Brings You Alive?
In this day and age of more is better, it is vital to keep
your sense of balance in check. Take time to pause and take
a good hard look at what is and what is not meaningful and
nourishing to your well-being. A line in the poem Sweet Darkness
by a wonderful Irish poet named David Whyte, offers some sound
advise, "Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive
is too small for you." It is a profound idea and one well
worth contemplating especially in today's society of do more
so you can have more then you will be more.
STOP Before It Begins
Perhaps its time to slow down, maybe even stop before it all
begins. Ask yourself and your significant others what is most
important, what brings you alive. Look for the meaning behind
the words. You may or may not all be in agreement about what
your ideas mean. In some families closeness equals love, but
does closeness mean physical proximity or does it mean depth
of connection? If time is important, do the types of activities
you engage in matter more or less than the amount of time
you spend together? We all need to eat to survive but are
meals about feeding your bodies or nourishing your relationships
with one another? How do you show how much you care - by the
way you decorate your homes and tables, the number of presents
you give, how much you give to charity or the way you treat
each other? Is the way you want to be "shown love" the same
as how your partner or children want to receive love?
Take a few minutes to rate the following on a scale of 1-5.
5: absolute must do, 4: really want to, 3: I don't really need
to, but if it's important to you I will, 2: I can take it or
leave it and 1: it's time for a change. Then discuss the meaning
and value you expect and derive from each of the activities.
Family Gatherings
• Big Meals •
Parties • Decorating
the House
Time Together • Traveling • Presents
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Now look at your answers again taking into consideration
who is willing to be responsible for all the time, energy
and expense to make these plans a reality. I don't know about
your household but in my experience it's usually the mom who's
up at 2am to get it all ready and then stays up till midnight
to clean it all up afterwards. This may be the perfect time
to say, "If you want the traditions, it's time to take some
of them on and make them happen yourself." Is the amount of
work required fulfilling the goals that are desired? If not,
it may be time to let go of some of the old and make room
for some new ideas.
What Does It All Mean?
For most genuine intimacy, closeness and connection are the
hopes we hold near and dear to our hearts during the holidays.
Take some time to really evaluate whether of not your activities
are fulfilling those goals. If not, perhaps it's time for
a change. Start a new tradition, gather around the living
room early this year, ask yourselves what it is you really
want for the holidays - love, acceptance, peace, harmony,
to know you are enough? Look beneath the glitz, glamour and
shiny ribbons are the presents, parties, family gatherings
or fancy meals bringing you what you really want?
May your holidays be blessed with all the richness, love
and abundance you desire!
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