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Tasty Treats!
Add a little flavor to your love making! |
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by Sandy
Pendleton, MFT
Upgrading Your
Sexuality Software
Webster's defines sexuality
as preparedness to engage in/involvement
in sexual activity. There are so many
things that can stand in the way of being
ready, able and willing to engage in sexual
activity. Many of these blocks are hidden
out of consciousness awareness. Often
originating in the past, these blocks
can continue to limit options and effectiveness
throughout our lifetime unless we take
the time to review the operating system
that is driving our sexuality. What software
are you running? We are constantly receiving
messages about sex and sexuality throughout
our lives. All our sexual decisions are
filtered through a maze of messages, personal
history and current desires. Together
they make up our sexuality software.
What Version are
You Running?
Sexuality 1.1 or the latest version, 27.2?
If many of the messages that are running
your current sexual programming were installed
when you were much younger, it may be
time to upgrade your system.
Blocks to Sexuality
Blocks occur when there are conflicting
interests. The majority of blocks manifest
in the form of fears, phobias, anxiety
and limiting beliefs. It is also possible
for the blocks to manifest in the physical
body in the form of discomfort and dis-ease.
Most blocks
can be traced back to some form of traumatic
event in our past, stories we have heard
or comments made by others.All of these
situations can leave a lasting energetic
imprint on your mind, body & spirit which
can wreak havoc on our sex life long after
the events and comments have faded into
the distant past.
Some blocks may dissolve
just by identifying the conflict and making
a conscious choice which direction you
prefer, others may require a bit more
effort. The next several articles will
explore some of the blocks and offer suggestions
to finding a way to become more conscious
and response-able in regards to your own
sexuality. You may also find that some
of the blocks are more complex and require
the assistance of a trained therapist.
Check out the past article: Finding a
Qualified Therapist if you need help in
finding one.
One Comment Can Last
a Lifetime
When loved ones,
teachers or even strangers tell us things
in an attempt to keep us safe, they may
not realize the lasting effect these comments
can have on our ability to move freely
in our lives. This is particularly
true in the area of sexuality. Think of
all the endless comments parents tell
their children to keep them out of trouble,
away from harm, appropriate to a given
situation or from becoming too curious
before they are ready or able to manage
the consequences of their behavior. "If
you play with yourself, your penis will
fall off." "Your private parts are icky
and dirty, don't touch them." "Sex is
bad, don't do it." "You can't have sex
until you are married." "God will banish
you from heaven if you have sex outside
of wedlock."
Additionally, it is also confusing to
a child to know what is and isn't considered
"sex." Comments
like these form the initial sexuality
software. Without upgrades, this software
limits our ability to enjoy sex as we
grow older, even when it is a loving,
giving, appropriate expression of who
we are.
Making the Invisible
Visible
It can be extremely
helpful to bring your internal dialogue
about sex out into the open. Many
times clients have told me they don't
even want to acknowledge these often embarrassing
thoughts because they're afraid they will
be strengthened by speaking them out loud
or even writing them down on paper. I've
found the opposite to be true; the more
we ignore them, the more powerful they
become. As long as these unhelpful or
hurtful ideas and comments hide in the
shadows they will continue to exert their
power by limiting our ability to freely
express ourselves fully.
I liken it to
the wizard in the Wizard of Oz. When the
wizard was hidden behind the curtain he
made all kinds of blustery, threatening
demands but as soon as he was exposed
it became evident that he was just an
ordinary man trying to conceal the fact
that he really didn't have any power at
all. Sometimes the thoughts in our mind
can be like that too.
Who's Saying What
About Your Sex Life?
Listen carefully
to the internal mind chatter about as
many aspects of sex and sexuality as you
can, take dictation and write it all down
- word for word. Start with how
you feel about your own body - in general
then be specific, especially about your
genitalia and erotic hot spots. Examine
how you feel about others' bodies as well,
especially what you like and dislike in
a sexual partner. Then move on to the
various aspects of sexual intimacy: kissing
- with and without tongues, touching in
general and various sexual body parts,
masturbation, intercourse, oral sex, anal
sex, various positions, cyber-sex, pornography
- soft and hard core, the list can go
on and on. Try to identify all your hot
buttons. You might be surprised at the
number and quality of comments.
Look for patterns
and notice the language that is being
used. When words like "booby" or "thingy"
or "wiener" are used they most likely
originated in childhood. The same
is true for extreme all or nothing words
like "always" or "never." If the language
and ideas were imprinted when you were
very young it may be an indication of
the need for a sexuality software upgrade.
Consider reading a book, talking with
your partner, talking with a trusted friend
or therapist to become more comfortable
embodying your body and relating to your
sexuality.
If possible, recall
how old you were when you first heard
these ideas and who might have been influential
in passing them on to you. Listen
to the gender, tone and texture of the
voice of these ideas for clues. Listen
beyond your own voice to see if you can
identify their source: Mom? Dad? Uncle?
Old boyfriends/ girlfriends? Teacher?
TV? Books? Magazines? It's time to take
a closer look at who's in charge of your
current sex life. How satisfying can a
sex life be with a four-year-old in charge?
Or how about your mother? Or an old lover?
By identifying the source of the ideas
dictating your sexuality, you can take
a closer look at them and make a conscious
choice about what stays and what goes.
Conscious Choices
By making the invisible visible we can
be far more effective in creating workable
solutions. Seeing the dialogue on paper
can give you a very different perspective.
Take the time to evaluate your current
sexual software; decide what needs to
be deleted, stay the same, upgraded or
added in for a richer, more satisfying
sex life. By making
conscious choices about your attitudes
and actions in the future you will be
more response-able in taking back control
of your own sexuality.
Check back soon for the next articles in the Response-Able Sexuality Series!
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